The Dragon's Evil Lurks

18:25 Eva Kesh 3 Comments

I can no longer contain the demons of my past; they found me again last night, violated me, unearthed the seams of my Soul and multiplied. Now they appear in forms of visions and streams, they scar my soul with humiliation and disgust,  in private and in public they leave my eyes and throat soar. My mouth is salty. Shame is engraved in parts of me I cannot incise it from without facing the Maker.

Why is it that in humanity, absolute and utter evil exists in some, it lurks unconsciously, waiting to take stage. I was a believer that I should not judge all of man with the same brushstroke, each is different. What an illusion that seems. I have witnessed selfishness to a degree I have never seen before, and it is ugly. The ugliest thing my eyes have had the unfortunate misfortune to witness. I am but a silent decorative spectacle, a shallow tribute of a mother's fear for her daughter in Kosovo or Congo.

There is only one other memory in my lifetime that has evoked such emotions in me. This left me dehumanized, I no longer want to recognize myself. I have always prided myself in taking responsibility for my actions, any wrong I do or intend to do, I first admit and acknowledge it. So even if I may not say it out loud, I know and admit to myself the truths of my actions. When faced with someone that does not seem capable of this action NO matter what kinds of evil or sin they have committed against others, I despair for humanity. I make my intentions at anytime that I feel something known to those I care about and or think of as friends. 

Those intentions are true and raw, not fully actualized or thought through, I may not always follow through once my anger/disappointment has subsided but, to be in truth with another person ought to be something that is cherished; for it is easier to present a representation of Us to the world. All of what I'm typing right now is my truth in it's most raw form. I am broken in ways I could never have imagined by a source that disgusts me and all what is left of me is the numb recollections of what I once stood for, who I was, and God, this is a sad reality. 


I still value honesty, but I have found a deep respect for accountability in the saddest of pathways; that is all I know of me.



3 comments :

  1. Strong writing, Eva. When the mirror's illusion is shattered and we see our true self, our truth's ugly head appears.

    ReplyDelete

  2. Thank you Long, and yes, sometimes it's not easy to see the ugly truth.
    'Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.'

    Never had I ever imagined I would quote Sigmund Freud.

    Ps. Apologies for the late response.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My favorite post :) very deep. love it

    ReplyDelete